Love Makes Space

Fully Exposed

I’m thirty pounds heavier than I’ve ever been in my life. That puts me squarely in overweight territory. I know this fact, but I am having a hard time changing my ways and shedding the pounds. I spent my first thirty eight years as a thin person, so I sometimes erroneously believe that I am still thin…until I see photos of myself. This is why I am very intentional when I post selfies. At least a hundred pictures are deleted, filters applied, angles perfected, and lighting ideal before you see a pic of me on social media.

I loathe being in a swimsuit, so I almost never put one on. When my children swim, I am sitting on the sidelines, full make-up and hair, wearing black so I look slightly thinner. My kids ask me to swim. But I always say no. I can’t handle that people are looking at my body and judging my care of it. Swimsuits don’t hide my emotional eating binges.

But I decided that yesterday would be different. I decided that instead of watching my life play out in front of me, that I wanted to be part of it. Step one was leaving the make up off. Since pregnancy, my skin tone consists of fourteen different shades. I have scars, wrinkles, and freckles. I work very hard to cover these on a daily basis. But I left my face clean for the water adventures. Next, I donned the swimsuit that covered the most of my dimpled, fair skin, and left my hair undone as I headed to the lake with my kids.

The day was blissful! I was CONSTANTLY aware of my lack of protective layers, but I kept focusing on the joy in my children’ faces and proceeded forward with jumping off the dock, swimming, playing water tag, and kissing the faces of my little ones. At the end of the day, they commented multiple times that they had fun with me. Not once did they mention my extra pounds or lack of skin tone consistency. Instead, they teased me about my form while jumping into the water and laughed when I slipped off the raft. 

Life is so very short. As I played nervously in the lake, with my imperfections on display, I was aware that this time is a gift. I will never again have the Fourth of July 2018. So I’m grateful that we built these memories. What about you? Do you ever struggle this way? How do you get past it? Does it keep you from living your life? I’d love to hear your stories and spend some time encouraging each other.

3 thoughts on “Fully Exposed

  1. Jill,

    YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

    Yes I struggle and judge myself harshly. My daughter and granddaughters have helped me see that creating the memories is the most important thing that I can do.

    Please, be kind to yourself.

  2. My daughter, Chantille shared this with me…So BEAUTIFULLY written!!!! I cried…I can relate. I was thin up until about age 59-60. I’d like to blame it on my two very necessary abdominal surgeries, but…
    I too, forget that I have extra pounds until I look in the mirror or at a picture…UGH!!! And I try to avoid public places anymore in a swimsuit. I would love to go to water aerobics but would like to lose weight first. Rather crazy, huh? I do love to get in our pool with our two grandkids & I can have so much fun with them! It’s not “being” in the pool that can make me self-conscious, but “getting ” in the pool. You look beautiful no matter & I admire you for sharing this!!! Kids grow up too fast, so it is important to make great memories with them! Keep up your wonderful efforts!

  3. Oh Jill……you hit the nail on the head with me. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been and so frustrated and disgusted with “me” UGH! I was that person that…when younger…was thin….although I thought I was FAT! Oh to be that “fat” again! 🙂 I could eat anything under the sun and never gain….now….I still want to eat…but don’t because I want so badly to get these pounds off. I know I will feel better about myself both physically and mentally. Didn’t put any shorts on until just this past week, because of my big legs, dimpled skin etc. ; but it is SO hot that I just bit the bullet and did it! I’m ok with wearing them now but still don’t like the way I look. Thank you for posting your blog and for your openness and honesty! You aren’t alone! Hugs my friend!
    Barb Meyer

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